The last calendar I owned featured Lamborghinis and busty babes, and that was back in 7th grade. It’s not that I’m embarrassed to get another one–I just know I’ll never find a better calendar then the one I had then. The following atrocities by Holy Taco come awfully close, though.
People purchase all types of Calendars. Cats, Computers, you name it, people are buying it and putting it up on their wall. So, we decided to take it upon ourselves to create 12 Calendars no one would EVER purchase.
Now we are cooking with gas. I’m telling you, it’s like all the blogs have decided their New Year’s resolution is to go balls out, right out the gate. I thought I’d be waiting two, maybe three years before I saw a Greatest Achievements in Men Humping Things article, but here it is. To know there were 5 noteworthy achievements in men humping things last year is an achievement in itself.
Just when you think Top 10 articles are over, somebody has to post up a Sexiest Female Puppets list, which is an extremely overlooked category. Congrats, Manofest–you have truly outdone yourselves with this one.
With the human female species becoming less and less tolerable these days, maybe it’s time that men start considering hot puppets as a form of companionship. Just think of all the positives. They’ll obey your every command, they only talk when you want them to talk and you can put your hand inside them whenever you’re in the mood. The downside is that they can’t really cook, but you can teach them how … with your fingers.
#10 Lucy The Slut (Avenue Q) - Who wouldn’t want to hook up with a chick whose last name is “Slut.” And who wouldn’t want to get down with some bright pink boobies for that matter.
Now, we must warn you that if you do hook up with her there’s a pretty good chance that you’ll get puppet herpes but who doesn’t have that these days.
The only thing that stacks up to Veronica Hugo’s stacked self is another Veronica Hugo. With all the breakhtroughs in science, we should really get around to cloning hot babes…just in case. You never know.
(Sadly, I cannot find a Veronica Hugo video; that’s a tragedy.)
Further proving that quality Top ______ lists are running out (experts say they’ve been over since 2005), here are the most shocking…oh, Camel Toes? Forget what I said: Camel Toes are great and accepted here on Sublime.
I used to be on top of the technological world, back when SNES was at its height and digital rear projection TVs were only for the rich and famous. These days I can’t even turn on these futuristic gizmos. But if you like a challenge with your tech, I would suggest a gadget from Cool Material’s 19 Cool Products That Are Almost Impossible to Use. They have a Level 5 Difficulty.
Sometimes modern design and minimalism go a little too far and it’s hard to figure out exactly what the products are. We’ve tracked down 19 products that look quite cool but leave you wondering wtf?
The Cell Tankless Toilet
Even in the most modern bathroom design, a toilet is a toilet right?
Apparently not, which is fine with us because why should your bathroom have to revolve around the throne? Downplay it with the egg shaped design of the Cell Tankless Toilet. [Via Yanko]
I’ve always been championed local businesses above corporate ones, but Cracked’s article about How Everyday Businesses Trick You makes me think twice about Grandma McCormick’s Ice Cream Shoppe–five and dime my ass.
The economy is in the proverbial pooper and many are trying to cut back, but unfortunately, there’s a reason you came back with a new hi-def TV and 10-gallons of discount mayonnaise last time you went to buy bread. The retailers have gotten very good at what they do.
We’ve already detailed the advanced advertising techniques being used to turn us into a society of shambling Baconator-craving zombies, but the manipulation certainly doesn’t end once they’ve got you into the building…
#5. The Bar
There few things more easy and profitable (and fun) than scamming drunks, so it comes as no surprise that bars have their own list of ploys. Let’s look at a few of the ways you’re getting cockslapped along with your cocktail.
Less Socializing, More Drinking
Every time you use your mouth for frivolous non-drinking related activities like talking, you’re costing the bar money. So they try their hardest to make sure your interactions remain at the basic head nodding and pointing out hot girls level. Music is pumped up to ear splitting level, making conversation impossible and lights are kept dim, partly to disguise how dirty most bars are, but also because we feel uncomfortable talking to someone we can’t see clearly.
Your “Friend” the Bartender
There are many ways to cut down on the amount of precious alcohol actually getting into your glass. Taller, thinner shot glasses appear larger but actually contain less volume and, in fact, simply tilting the glass toward the customer slightly while pouring creates an optical illusion making you think you’re getting more than you are. Measuring cups may have washers in the bottom ensuring you don’t get a full double, and narrow pourers are used on bottles ensuring a 3-second pour gives you less booze than you might expect.
Oh, and in perhaps the most diabolical trick, fruity girl drinks may have the rim of the glass coated or straw filled with alcohol with little to none in the drink itself. Come on bartenders, if you’re not there to get girls sloppy on oversized pink beverages what exactly are you there for?
An even bigger dickhead than you thought.
Of course, as the night wears on the need for such intricate schemes melts away. That’s when bartenders start charging whatever the hell they want on a person-by-person basis, using the “would I like to bone them?” scale. Also, never offer to pay for your group’s drinks as most bartenders assume anyone generous (and dense) enough to do such a thing won’t mind them adding a dozen or so extra drinks to the tab.
My local character was a guy who practically lived at the Rockingham Park Mall–nobody knew his real name, but he claimed to be Michael Jackson, even though he was white and apparently a genius before ‘the accident’. Come to think of it, maybe he was Michael Jackson after all…?
Almost every community has one or two of them: persons who everyone knows, even if you have never spoken to them. Some local characters have gained nationwide recognition via internet. If your neighborhood doesn’t have one, you can follow a character from somewhere else! Here are five basic examples of different types of local characters.
Living History
Marvin “Popcorn” Sutton seems to belong to an earlier century. Sutton is a renowned moonshiner in Maggie Valley, North Carolina. He got his nickname from the night he shot a popcorn machine that took his money. Sutton charges $5 for tourists to have their picture taken with him, then he tells stories of the moonshining business. He published a book of stories, Me and My Likker. Local authorities tolerate him for the tourism he draws, but the ATF arrested him in 1974, 1981, and 1985. It happened again in March of 2008, when Sutton was found in the possession of more than 850 gallons of moonshine.
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