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How to Kill Your Mortal Enemy: A Short Essay

Most people don’t have real mortal enemies these days, or personal vendettas against evil dudes who murdered their village and/or kidnapped their girlfriend and threatened to marry her at sundown. Even legendary fathers sold their family swords passed down through generations to buy their kids Sega 32Xs.

But if you do happen to have a mortal enemy, you should be as prepared as possible when the showdown inevitably happens. As Robert Hamburger would put it: show your enemies some sweet ninja moves to get them scared-pumped. Let them prance around and feel good about themselves for a while, then kick the crap out of them so hard that they cry forever and lose their personality.