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Great Showers to Have Sex In

Sex in the shower can be the most convenient part of your day–dirty deeds while washing is one of life’s great paradoxes. However, it can be cumbersome without ample moving space, proper ventilation and clog-prone drains. If you want to get steamy, invest in a quality shower…or find showers that belong to your family, friends and enemies and desecrate them hardcore.

Your Rich Uncle’s Euro-Baller Shower

Your entire family is jealous at your Uncle’s success, which is the main reason you don’t visit him often. He’s single, twice divorced, and his choice in luxurious furniture and electronics displeases your ‘rents because they know you’re impressed with his lifestyle. His shower–a day spa with simulated waterfalls, jets, and a LED light show with full-surround sound–reeks of debauchery.

Ask to stay over his place for the weekend, and invite your girl to “hang out”. The good news: he’ll get your vibe and allow you to use his shower for boning. Bad news: he may expect your girl, 20 years his junior, to bring a friend along.

The Moderately Nice Shower of Your High-School Alumni

It’s your 10-year reunion, and good ol’ Jeffery Baker is at it again, trying to “keep the memories going” by throwing an impromptu after party at his house, which he moved in right after high school and has lived in ever since. You’d think this party-hardy demeanor would have crept into his house, but no dice–he’s over 30 with a wife and two kids, so his unfinished basement is where his remaining dreams come to roost…amongst the broken plastic toys of his kids.

Why are we here again?

Fuck this guy. His wife just woke up from the sounds of Staind, and is now pissed about the company; now they’re fighting in front of everybody, and it’s getting mad awkward. Calmly ask him where the bathroom is and go to it, with your lady trailing behind. Climb into his country-styled shower and plug the living daylights outta her (on principle) while the yelling match goes on downstairs.

Coed Dorm Shower Stall at a College You Didn’t Attend

First off, you’re wasted, which is awesome. Second, you don’t really remember what you’re doing at a college party–you’ve been out of school for years, and look much older than everybody else. That’s ok, we’re not here to hate. The only way an awkwardly-older man can “fit in” at these romps is to be the most fucked-up person in the room. Not in an annoying creepy way, but in a way that proves to the young’uns that they’ll be fine when they reach your age.

Carry a handle of liquor around with you during the party; it shows that you’re not fucking around, and don’t need their charity. You’re here to get wasted, and wasted you are. Barge into the coed bathrooms and high-five everybody and anybody in there. You mean them no harm, and will leave right after you’re done fucking in their unsanitary showers. Nothing goes with dirty more than dirty, so indulge in the moment. Fuck it, go flip-flopless and topless.

Natural Waterfall

FUCK YEAH. There’s not much to say here, and with good reason: if you need convincing that fucking in a waterfall isn’t a great idea, I can’t help you. For the rest of us, connect with your inner warrior and get MOTHERFUCKING PRIMAL.