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Cereal Mascots That Are Probably Serial Killers

If you ever thought cereal mascots are disturbing, Topless Robot is here to help you understand why. The reason is obvious: they were all remorseless killers, as cold as the milk their sugary cereal was drowned in.

Frankly, the cereal-slinging life is enough to drive almost any decent cereal mascot to a life of murder.

While the police have no proof that Sonny or Cap’n Crunch are responsible for the deaths of anyone, many children go missing each year. We think it’s time someone took a good, long look into these borderline psychotics who might be part of a nutritious breakfast…but also┬ápart remorseless killer.

10. Fruity Pebbles’ Fred Flintstone

Fred Flintstone likes his Fruity and/or Cocoa Pebbles. Barney Rubble keeps stealing his Pebbles. Fred yells, chases Barney, and threatens bodily harm against him. One can see a scenario where Barney steals Fred’s Pebbles and Fred, in a fit of blind rage, clobbers Barney with a bowling ball and caves in his skull. Fred is appalled by what he has done, but at the same time feels a sense of relief that finally, his Pebbles will be to himself. Then, he feels the sense of power–nobody will ever stop him from having his Pebbles again.

Betty and Wilma are taken out very quickly, then Mr. Slate, and anyone who looks at his Pebbles with even a slight look of longing. Before long, someone finds the bones in the tar pits, and the Bedrock police come after Fred. Shouting “Nobody takes my fruity pebbles!” He is taken out in a hail of gunfire.

9. Cap’n Crunch

First of all, he dresses like Napoleon. That’s a crazy tip-off if ever there was one. Secondly, he’s not even a Captain. He’s a Cap’n. He’s hiding something, and I think that something has to do with bodies drying in the basement.

Consider the nemesis of the Cap’n, the Soggies. He’s been fighting them for a long time, fighting a war to keep cereal crunchy. Already mentally unbalanced, War does strange things to a man. He does anything to fight off the Soggies, trying to keep things crunchy. Before long he decides that morality is dead and the only thing worth fighting for in this world is winning. So he hits upon the idea of using the cured flesh of children to keep everything nice and dry. To look into the eyes of the Cap’n is to look into the eyes of someone who is looking to turn you into a crunchberry. “Crunch-a-Tize me, Cap’n” indeed.

8. Quisp

Quisp is perhaps just here to give us delicious cereal and that’s all, but thinking of him coming from planet Q makes me think of another letter: V. The aliens from V were here also in a seemingly benign fashion, and they ended up using people for meat. Underneath the goofy Quisp face, there is a reptilian, fanged beast that eats live mice when it is alone in it’s cabin. Or maybe it’s eating live mice with that goofy face of his and obnoxious voice.

Perhaps we should have given more love to his human nemeis Quake–it’s likely he was slaughtered and filleted in his battle against this alien menace who eats people. Imagine Quisp snacking down on a live baby or six, then you can see what horror needs to be stopped.

More Cereal Mascots That Are Probably Serial Killers at Topless Robot.