God I love that I’m from New Hampshire. Live free or die, motherfucker!

Laws are supposed to protects us, but when the government decides to get in our pants, some crazy stuff goes down!

Here are some actual sex laws truly for the record books!

1. In Bakersfield, Calif., if you’re going to have sex with Satan, you’ve gotta use a condom. And definitely come up with a safe word!

2. Poking a porcupine is illegal in Florida. But apparently that law didn’t go far enough. Just a couple of weeks ago, State Sen. Nan Rich submitted a bill that would ban peeps in the Sunshine State from being able to stick it in where the sun don’t shine on any animal.

3. In Minnesota, it’s illegal for any slime bucket to hook up with a live fish.  Don’t worry disinterested wives, a cold fish is still A-OK!

4. In Dyersburg, Tenn., it is illegal for a lady to call a gentleman for a date. Clearly no one in that town is getting laid!

5. In Merryville, Mo., no woman can waste her natural waist.

Wearing a corset is illegal because “the privilege of admiring the curvaceous, unencumbered body of a young woman should not be denied to the normal, red-blooded American male.” No wonder it’s called the “Show Me State!”

More Crazy Sex Laws at AlterNet.