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DIY Erotic Novels are Like Mad Libs, Only Sexier

If you’ve ever fantasized about being Scottie McMullet, clutching your sweet lady by her corseted waist, UStar Novels might be for you; if that sounds incredibly stupid, UStar Novels is definitely for you!

Here’s an excerpt from “Spanish Sizzle”, my erotic creation:

“Hey!” he yelled as Mistress grinned cheekily back at him. Chad’s tongue found the chocolate on his cheek as he scooped two fingers into the ice cream and daubed Mistress’s nose liberally. Her response was to plunge her own hand into the tub and soon Chad had a smear of chocolate ice cream from ear to mouth. The icy smudge oozed down his neck, sending an electrifying thrill of excitement across his skin as Mistress’s tongue swept along its creamy trail.

Chocolaty hands found naked limbs and soon they were tumbling back into the carpet in a knot of chocolate-smeared passion, their tongues lapping at the sweetness of one another’s chocolaty bodies.

The shrill blare of Mistress’s mobile phone shattered the lovers’ reverie. Chad’s ardour was unwavering as he attempted to stall Mistress with a rash of kisses across her belly. Laughing at Chad’s playful caresses, Mistress reached for her phone. “Leave it,” Chad murmured insistently, “it’s probably just Clitoria… you can call her back after I have had my wicked way with you.”

Mistress giggled with mischief but as she grabbed her phone, the display lit up with the name of her boss; Davenport. She prised Chad’s fingers from their impassioned clasp around her thighs and attempted to lever herself out from underneath his weight. “I’m sorry beastmaster, I have to take this, it’s work,” she whispered but Chad’s response was to silence her with a shower of soft sweet kisses. Taking a firm hold of his arms, Mistress unravelled herself from Chad’s embrace and heaved herself to her feet.

The phone had been ringing insistently for some seconds now and she hastily pressed on the Receive button, answering in a clipped tone, “fluffybottom. Just a moment please.” She looked down at Chad expectantly but he merely gazed back at her with sexy mischief and began nuzzling at her ankles. This was a conversation she needed to have in private and since Chad was going nowhere fast, she strode purposefully from the room, leaving Chad to call out after her, “Don’t go! What about dessert?” Mistress darted a pleading look back at him as she closed the door behind her.

Chad laid back on the thick sheepskin rug, losing his fingers in the shaggy pile and listening to the fizz and roar of the licking flames. In the disordered disarray of the kitchen, Davenport’s smooth tones slid down the line to Mistress.

“Congratulations Agent fluffybottom on a job well done,” he said, “You pulled off the theft of the Gaudi document like a consummate professional. Sotheby’s are in uproar!” he chuckled delightedly. “I have to say Agent fluffybottom, I’m very pleased that you chose to join MI6. Had you turned to a life of crime, I believe we would be devoting most of our manpower to trying to catch you!”

Mistress blushed self-consciously as she fumbled for a reply but Davenport was unfazed. “The document will be collected from you tonight and the Spanish will have faked a duplicate of it by the end of the week. Both the genuine article and the faked copy will be delivered to you no later than the 14th of February.”

Mistress balked as she heard this new information.

“Delivered to me?” she gasped, “I’m sorry Sir, I was under the impression that my role in the mission was now complete.”

“Well there has been a slight change of plan fluffybottom,” Davenport explained.

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[Via Buzzfeed]