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Guide to Surviving an Axe Murderer

Sure, it’s probably a PR stunt for the new Friday the 13th movie, but it’s worth reading if you live by Crystal Lake and sick of axe murders trying to kill you.

CraveOnline presents: Guide to Surviving an Axe Murderer:

Intro When dealing with an axe murderer, there are many misconceptions as to what will or will not ensure your survival. You may find yourself with questions and concerns that cannot be addressed simply by repeated viewings of “Scream”.

This is why we have compiled a short guide that will help you make the right decisions, should you ever find yourself at the business end of a bloody hatchet.

Chapter 1: Your Killer and You

The first question you may have is “Who is my axe murderer? And what are their motivations?” Your axe murderer may be undead, psychopathic, under the impression that you have personally wronged them in some way, or perhaps even merely misunderstood. Are you personally familiar with your axe murderer? Do you have any personal shared history with him/her/it? Believe it or not, you may have an opportunity to reason with your axe murderer before things ever get out of hand, provided that you follow these guidelines:

KillerDON’T attack your axe murderer with a feeble kitchen knife (It won’t do you any good anyway), scream at them, throw your phone them etc. This will only drive them into a primal rage, and will probably end with your head on a stick.

DO attempt to talk them down, quietly and calmly. Treat them as you would a wild, snarling dog… When a junkyard dog has you cornered, you don’t bark back at it, you try to calm them down by expressing to them that you are not afraid of them and also that you pose them no harm.

Once your axe murderer has let their guard down, shoot them in the face with a shotgun until you run out of shells and then burn the body, making sure not to take your eyes off of it until every last bone is turned to dust. If it should turn out that you were related to your axe murderer in some way after all, have the decency to scatter their ashes somewhere nice, hopefully setting their soul free to rest. Just do be sure to do this somewhere very far away from where you live, preferably in a different country. You know, just in case.

More tips on Surviving an Axe Murderer at CraveOnline.