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The 8 Greatest Valentine’s Day Diseases

Looking for a gift for your significant other this Valentine’s Day? Look no further–Holy Taco has made a lovely list of Valentine’s Day Diseases that will woo your lover like no other. Here’s hoping they find it deeply romantic…

8. Condylomata Acuminata

NICKNAME: Genital Warts

WHAT IS IT:
Most commonly transmitted through the human papillomavirus (HPV), it is spread through direct skin-to-skin contact during oral, genital or anal sex.

SYMPTOMS:
If you see a cluster of wart-esque type bumps showing up around your genitals, you probably have genital warts. (Or you need to take off that frogskin condom.)

HOW TO GET RID OF IT:
There are various creams you can get from your doctor, but the most exciting treatment is called “liquid nitrogen cryosurgery” where they basically freeze the wart and lop it off with a hatchet. Or maybe a scalpel.

FUN FACT!:
Whatever you do, do NOT type “genital warts” into Google image search. You will see things that will make you terrified of your own penis.

7. Gonorrhea

NICKNAME: The Clap

WHAT IS IT:
A bacteria that infects the man’s urethra and the woman’s cervix. It also likes to party in the rectum.

SYMPTOMS:
As quickly as 2 days after you get it, women may get “vaginal discharge,” which would be the name of my first album if I had a rock band. Men get an inflamed urethra which your penis will alert you of by releasing small amounts of pus.

HOW TO GET RID OF IT:
Much like the New York Giants, over the last few years Gonorrhea has built up quite a defense. Most antibiotics used to treat the bacteria are ineffective, but there are still a few like Ampicillin and Levfloxacin that still work on most strains.

FUN FACT!:
Some say it’s nickname “The Clap” is derived from the old French word “clapier,” meaning “brothel.” Yet another reason to hate the French.

6. Trichomoniasis Vaginalis

Nickname: T-Vag

WHAT IS IT:
An anaerobic, parasitic, flaggelated protozoan infection. In other words, it’s a little oval with tiny arm-like thingies that infest your vagina. So, basically it’s like a smaller version of Bill Maher.

SYMPTOMS:
Well, there’s the ever-popular “greenish-yellow frothy vaginal secretions,” but more commonly you get pneumonia, bronchitis, and oral lesions. Oh yeah, that’s how T-vag likes to party!

HOW TO GET RID OF IT:
A nice dose of Metronidazole will do the trick. It should also be given right away to sexual partners of the infected. Maybe bring that up in a crowded place clear of anything that can be used as a weapon.

FUN FACT!:
T-vag, unlike Lance Bass, does not enjoy being inside an anus. It’s almost impossible for it to grow there. This does not mean you should use this information in your effort to talk your girlfriend into anal sex. That’s probably a bad idea.

The 5 Greatest Valentine’s Day Diseases at Holy Taco.