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The 8 Worst Types of Retail Employees

Being a former retail employee, I empathize will all the bullshit they put up with, from the ungrateful customers to the worst co-workers minimum wage can buy. Holy Taco compiled a list of The 8 Worst Types of Retail Employees and man…does it bring up memories of people that I’d rather not remember.

Dealing with retail employees can be a frustrating experience that can drive you to kill, maim, torture or shiv anyone with a name tag. Here are the eight worst.

8. THE ELITIST PRICK

worst employees funny

WHERE YOU’LL FIND THEM: Bike Shops, Indie Music Stores, Gourmet Coffee Shops

Self-satisfied and pompous, this employee thinks the contents of his little store are the be-all and end-all of humanity. If you don’t purchase the one thing that this clerk deems acceptable, he will look down his nose at everything you do (despite the fact that what you just purchased, is sold in the same store this clerk works in).

YOU: I’d like to buy this “Dinosaur Jr. Best Of” CD

ELITIST PRICK: Tss. Why buy a Best Of? If you really like them, why not buy all their records?

YOU: I’m a fan of theirs, but I don’t know if I want to buy all their…

ELITIST PRICK: So you just like the “popular” hits?  You don’t deserve to be a Dinosaur Jr. fan. You should probably just listen to Top 40.

YOU: Top 40? Why do you sell this CD if you hate it so much?

ELITIST PRICK: I just work here, man. My boss buys this shit so he can cash in on you fairweather nancy boys. You want me to get you a Boyz II Men CD to go with this?

YOU: No.

ELITIST PRICK: You make me sick. Is that a Sonic Youth shirt?

YOU: Yeah, I love th…

ELITIST PRICK: We don’t sell any Sonic Youth “Greatest Hits” records here. Sorry.

YOU: But, I own everything…

ELITIST PRICK: Get out of my store.

7. THE STONER

funny worst employees

WHERE YOU’LL FIND THEM: Target, Baskin Robbins, Sears

You’ll know when you’ve run into this employee because when you ask him if they carry cotton undershirts, he’ll stare at you for several seconds quietly, then giggle, as if you presented him with a calculus problem, then farted. The only way to find what you’re looking for is to begin questioning him like you’re a cop on Law & Order and he’s a teenage girl who’s just witnessed a rape.

YOU: I’m looking for picture frames.

STONER: Uh…

YOU: Picture frames. I know you know where they are. Just give me something to go on.

STONER: I ha, prolly like, past those soft things then go around the curvy part I think.

YOU: Soft things? Pillows?  What curvy part?  I need you to be more specific.

STONER: I don’t know, dude, just like, you know that one part.  I dunno.

YOU: You do know!  You can do this!  Come on!

6. THE CONSTANT CHECK-IN

funny worst employees

WHERE YOU’LL FIND THEM: Macy’s, Saks, Kiehls

I’m buying jeans, not going into cardiac arrest, therefore I don’t need someone coming up to me every thirty seconds asking if everything is okay.  Every time you touch anything in the store he reacts as if you’re a retarded child wandering through a grenade factory.

(You’re looking at a pair of jeans)

CHECK IN: Everything okay?

YOU: Yeah, just looking.

(CHECK IN moves away, you pick up a pair of jeans)

CHECK IN: Here, let me help you with that, those can be tricky.

YOU: No, that’s okay I can hold these jeans myself.  These jeans aren’t that tricky.

(You put away those jeans and grab a new pair)

CHECK IN: See here’s the thing about those jeans, they’re “straight legged.” The legs on them are just straight, they don’t bow out.

YOU: I figured that, since they were underneath a sign that said “straight leg.”

CHECK IN: Those signs can be tricky, let me help you with that.

More Worst Types of Employees at Holy Taco.