Crazy, Gadgets, General, Strange, Travel

Cracked List: The 5 Most Terrifying Civilizations in the History of the World

With Barack Obama officially sworn into office, it seems like a good time to learn about The 5 Most Terrifying Civilizations In the History of the World…you know, for research purposes. Just in case we need a few pointers from the past.

They say that those who ignore history are doomed to repeat it, so pay attention for Christ’s sake. It turns out that many of our ancestors achieved levels of violence that take them right out of the realm of “badass” and into the less cool area of ball-shriveling atrocity.

These are the civilizations you don’t want to face during, say, your next time travel adventure. And yes, the Spartans are down there.

#5. The Celts

History is kind of spotty on the Celts (they never wrote anything down, and many of the witnesses died brutally) but what facts survived confirm one thing: They had gigantic Celtic balls.

First of all, they had a thing for severed heads. After a long and trying battle they’d all unwind at the end of the day by collecting a few souvenir heads. Then they’d bring them home and decorate the house with them. So the average Celt home probably looked like a hunter’s trophy room, crossed with the scene at the end of Halloween when all the mutilated bodies start popping up around every corner. Sweet dreams kids!

If they felt that yours was a head of particular importance, they’d embalm it and whip it out at parties to brag about how awesome they were.

When they were alone they’d probably wiggle your jaw around and pretend you were complimenting them.

The reason for all of these head-chopping-good-times was that the Celts believed that the head held the soul, and so if you cut a dead guy’s head off before all of that juicy soul leaked out of it, it was yours.

A finders-keepers sort of deal, you might say.

A modern Celt.

So, Were They Really So Bad?

Hey, remember Braveheart? And how batshit insane Wallace’s army looked with their faces painted blue?

Well, the Celts would sometimes paint themselves blue and fight completely naked. Just because. One would assume that fighting in the nude would present some rather sensitive targets to one’s enemies (we’re talking about their nuts), but it seems that the Celts were so frigging manly that they just didn’t care.

It was the ultimate insult: “I am not afraid of you, and to prove it, I have just laid my dong on your sword.”

More Terrifying Civilizations at Cracked.