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The 9 Awesomest Things That Should’ve Happened This Decade

I completely agree with Topless Robot‘s article about the Awesomest Things That Should’ve Happened This Decade…why didn’t these happen yet? Where are the teleportation systems and flying islands? Here’s hoping 2009 makes up for the rest of the decade and provides with some real technological advances.

Remember when the 2000s were a far-off time of flying motorbikes and lizard mutants? No? Well, do you at least remember when they were a momentous age that inspired hope, fear, and reflection? They inspired wild predictions about everything from computer bugs to the Biblical, beast-and-harlot apocalypse, and there were plenty of other reasons to be excited. The movies, TV shows, and video games of the past century had promised many things in the decade starting with 2000, after all.

Well, not one of those things has happened yet. We still live in a world where androids aren’t commonplace, Soviet Russia hasn’t conquered Canada, and getting groceries doesn’t involve bartering with murderous highway bikers. Whatever this decade is called, it’s been one huge disappointment. What follows is a list of grievances, a chronicle of the weirdest no-show events that we hoped the last eight years would bring.

9. Mega Man is created in 200X, Mega Man

There’s a possibility that the “X” in Mega Man’s birth year may be a 9, but we suspect that if the sleek, thickly roboticized world envisioned in those old NES games were just around the corner, we’d see some hint of it now. So we’re left to assume that Mega Man will never come to be, and that we won’t see a future of cyborg chickens and mechanical penguins and haywire robots with names like “Timpani Man” and “Scissor Goldfish.” At least not this decade.

Later Mega Man games try to smooth this over by changing their dates to an even more nebulous “20XX.” But they can’t undo the promises made back in 1989, when the introduction of Mega Man 2 clearly told children everywhere that Mega Man would exist by 2010.

Most of those children realized this was a lie before they so much as beat the game’s easiest boss (Flash Man, for the record), and yet there might still be a small, neotenous, reptile part of our brains that wants and partly expects the cute, Astro Boy-ish reality of Mega Man within our generation’s lifetime.

8. The Psychlo Invasion arrives in 2000, Battlefield Earth

Most of us weren’t acquainted with the 2000 promoted by L. Ron Hubbard’s novel Battlefield Earth, as 95 percent of the people who purchased the book were Scientologists commanded by their church to pick up twenty copies each time they passed a Waldenbooks.

Yet there’s no question that Hubbard’s idea of an alien invasion, lazily pinpointed at the turn of the millennium, would be unintentionally hilarious just because it would result in things like this 1000 years later.

Yes, the year 2000 would usher in a future of ugly, rubbery, pettily bureaucratic, extra-tall aliens lording over the human race and growing double chins the size of the Yukon Territory.

The one redeeming quality: all of us would be long dead by this point.

7) Everyone Loves Death Races in 2000, Death Race 2000

Many dystopias of the movie world prefer to stage themselves in 2000, which, while not the start of a new millennium, was the first year of this decade and an easy-to-remember date of doom and destruction. We all know how uneventful the year’s arrival actually was, since it hadn’t ushered in a United States where a poor and bloodthirsty public turned to watching pedestrians murdered in a cross-country celebration of vehicular homicide. Such would have been the world of Death Race 2000, a world where David Carradine puttered around in a latex mask and women drove longhorn-festooned cars built on the sort of budget only Roger Corman could put together.

In a way, it’s comforting. In the past nine years, we’ve been through economic hardships and several distasteful entertainment crazes that’ll likely have even the 1980s laughing at this decade, but we haven’t given way to televised hit-and-run carnage bookended by hideous, hammy commentators. Yet.

More Awesome Things That Should’ve Happened at Topless Robot.