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How 5 Everyday Businesses Trick You

I’ve always been championed local businesses above corporate ones, but Cracked‘s article about How Everyday Businesses Trick You makes me think twice about Grandma McCormick’s Ice Cream Shoppe–five and dime my ass.

The economy is in the proverbial pooper and many are trying to cut back, but unfortunately, there’s a reason you came back with a new hi-def TV and 10-gallons of discount mayonnaise last time you went to buy bread. The retailers have gotten very good at what they do.

We’ve already detailed the advanced advertising techniques being used to turn us into a society of shambling Baconator-craving zombies, but the manipulation certainly doesn’t end once they’ve got you into the building…

#5. The Bar

There few things more easy and profitable (and fun) than scamming drunks, so it comes as no surprise that bars have their own list of ploys. Let’s look at a few of the ways you’re getting cockslapped along with your cocktail.

Less Socializing, More Drinking

Every time you use your mouth for frivolous non-drinking related activities like talking, you’re costing the bar money. So they try their hardest to make sure your interactions remain at the basic head nodding and pointing out hot girls level. Music is pumped up to ear splitting level, making conversation impossible and lights are kept dim, partly to disguise how dirty most bars are, but also because we feel uncomfortable talking to someone we can’t see clearly.

Your “Friend” the Bartender

There are many ways to cut down on the amount of precious alcohol actually getting into your glass. Taller, thinner shot glasses appear larger but actually contain less volume and, in fact, simply tilting the glass toward the customer slightly while pouring creates an optical illusion making you think you’re getting more than you are. Measuring cups may have washers in the bottom ensuring you don’t get a full double, and narrow pourers are used on bottles ensuring a 3-second pour gives you less booze than you might expect.

Oh, and in perhaps the most diabolical trick, fruity girl drinks may have the rim of the glass coated or straw filled with alcohol with little to none in the drink itself. Come on bartenders, if you’re not there to get girls sloppy on oversized pink beverages what exactly are you there for?

An even bigger dickhead than you thought.

Of course, as the night wears on the need for such intricate schemes melts away. That’s when bartenders start charging whatever the hell they want on a person-by-person basis, using the “would I like to bone them?” scale. Also, never offer to pay for your group’s drinks as most bartenders assume anyone generous (and dense) enough to do such a thing won’t mind them adding a dozen or so extra drinks to the tab.

#4. The Grocery Store

How many times have you stood in your kitchen, packed with enough food to feed a starving African village for a day, and yet found you had nothing you actually wanted to eat? You’re not alone; 60 to 70 percent of grocery purchases are unplanned, as supermarkets employ an endless array of tricks to ensure your fridge always has 10 different types of pickles in it, yet no milk.

Rats in a Maze

Supermarkets are carefully designed to be migraine-inducing labyrinths, with the essentials tucked away in the outer reaches of the store. Food’s often shelved in seemingly random ways and stores reorganize their shelves every few months to keep you on your toes and send you scrambling again to find the Super Sugar Chocolate Breakfast Nuggets.

Supermarkets are also designed to keep movement as slow as possible, with displays stuck in the middle of aisles to create bottlenecks, strategically placed cart-slowing carpets and smaller floor tiles in expensive aisles (cart wheels click faster over them making you think you’re traveling quicker and thus you subconsciously slow down). Oh, and we suspect something might be up with every shopping cart on the planet having at least one bad wheel.

Using Your Kids Against You

Walk into any supermarket and you’ll be greeted at the door by the mash-up of smooth jazz and at least a dozen squalling children. Candy, cookies and all the diabestest cereals are usually grouped together in a single aisle feared by mothers everywhere, with the most expensive stuff all shelved at kiddie eye-level. Some supermarkets even offer kid “cooking” classes, which teach a lot more about brand recognition than cooking.

Your kid might not know his ABCs, but at least he knows I Can’t Believe It’s Not Butter now has even more butter taste.

“Deals” That are Anything But

Most sales or discounts actually cost you money as typically only the most expensive items are marked down (your 10-cents off five pounds of beluga caviar coupon might not be the hot bargain you think it is).

Beware “Buy 5 for 5.99!” style offers, as frequently it’s actually less expensive to buy the items individually.

Also your friendly neighborhood grocer isn’t afraid to blatantly steal from you at the checkout, just ask the guy who, unlike most, decided to actually pay attention to the scanner at a supermarket where you got free items if you were overcharged. By the end of the year he took home $4,000 in free food.

Grab Bag of Douchebaggery

Supermarkets keep the lights too bright and Muzak overly loud because making you uncomfortable will keep you from making smart shopping decisions. Even those delicious cubes of cheese on toothpicks they give you are a scam (they don’t care about selling you cheese, they just want to get your gastric juices flowing). We suggest next time you’re hungry you save yourself a headache, grab a rock and see if you can’t nail yourself a squirrel for dinner.

The best meat is in the tail.

Read the rest of the list at Cracked.