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The 6 Worst “Vacations” People Actually Pay For

I’m always jealous of my friends who go on lavish vacations, because the last time I went on vacation was over 6 years ago–it was camping in New Jersey, and I’m sure you can guess how that turned out. Still, I’m in no place to complain, as I’d rather camp near the toxic waters of Jersey than pay for the trips featured in Cracked‘s list of Worst “Vacations” People Actually Pay For.

Want to get away from it all? Need a break from your shitty job? Want to relax for a bit and not be stressed out?

Then don’t go on any of these vacations.

#6. Tour the Sewers of Paris

Cost: $3 Per Day

Paris isn’t all poodles and Eiffel Towers, and it goes without saying that there’s more to see than the Louvre and the Arc de Triomphe. In fact, after taking a dump in one of the city’s fine restrooms, you may find yourself saying, “Man, I wish I could see the part of Paris where my shit goes.” You’re in luck, you sick bastard, because you can actually pay to take a tour of the Paris Sewer System.

The tour will take you through 500 yards (which, by the way, is 500 yards way too many) of actual Paris sewer lines. You’ll get the chance to see tools and equipment workers use as well as a brief history lesson on the past, present and future of the Paris Poop Management System.

You’ll also see that the tunnels are a work of art, especially if you consider the effort that must have gone into building a system 1300 miles long, that’s able to hold the waste of over 2 million French people.

Your amazement will likely not be powerful enough to distract you from the river of human excrement flowing nearby.

It’s like the Chocolate River in Willy Wonka!

If they notice you’re not quite upset enough by this, tour guides will actually show you numbered pipes which correspond with the houses and buildings above you. Then you can walk the streets for the rest of the day, staring into the faces of French strangers and thinking, “Look down on me all you want, sir, but I believe I saw your shit today.

#5. Illegal Border Crossing Experience

Cost: $18 Per Day

For a tourist looking to have a good time, Mexico has it all: margaritas, enchiladas, senoritas and an assortment of other things that end in “-as.” And for the tourist that’s interested in having a shitty time, there’s the Illegal Border Crossing Experience Tour.

It’s kind of like camping, but with less s’mores and more illegal border crossing.

Actually crossing a border, being that it is illegal and very dangerous, isn’t exactly everyone’s cup of tea. But, apparently it is interesting and exciting enough to want to try out without any legal consequences. That’s when the folks at Parque EcoAlberto decided to fill a void no one knew existed and began offering guided “crossings” over an imaginary border. The company is run by local natives, the Hnahnu Indians, on about 3000 acres of land they own. These are folks that should know about the whole illegal crossing business since approximately 1500 members of the 2200 person tribe live in America.

The typical adventure will put you out in the desert with a group of other people just like you; complete with a guide, the stars above and angry border patrollers threatening to send you back to Mexico.

“Get back or I’ll kill you! Also, visit the gift shop!”

You’ll spend the evening hiding in bushes, hiding under bridges, running through the dark and wading through creeks. It will almost be like an awesome game of hide and go seek, except that you have gun shots (blanks) fired and curse words (real) being shouted at you. That’s all while you are hiding next to donkeys in cornfields with mud up to your ankles.

Some cynical types will say the whole enterprise exists only as practice for aspiring border crossers. But all the drama sounds like it would dissuade people more than anything (we’re pretty sure that on the real border there are long stretches where you can just walk across if you want).

Check out the rest of the list at Cracked.