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Drunk Dancing Guide

Being Latin and all, I like to think of myself as an expert dancer by default. Unfortunately, that is not the case. My dancing skills are limited to holding a beer and swaying back and forth rhythmically. It works, but if I’m not holding some sort of glass or bottle in my hand, shit goes awry.

Whether you can dance or not, when you are drunk, you think you can. This severe lack of judgment can be an embarrassing venture to undertake, considering that you clearly don’t have your wits about you, you are in public, and you are about to put on a physical display the likes of which the world has never seen. In order to minimize the collateral damage, here is a brief guide to some of the most common maneuvers pulled out on the dancefloor, how to use them, when to use them, and when you should just sit back down.

Instructions: Lay on stomach. Flail legs up and down, while moving your torso forward with your hands. This resembles a worm trying to move forward.

The worm takes more commitment than any other regulation dance out there. It also requires the performer to lie down on the dance floor. This shows a dedication to one’s craft, but also may end up completely ruining one’s clothes. Please use this maneuver with discretion, and watch for any broken glass.

If you are able to do this dance well, there’s a good chance that after you’re done a crowd of your peers will raise you above their shoulders and declare you the best dancer in the club.

Instructions: This dance move is so easy, you could do it in a wheelchair. Pantomime the shaking and subsequent rolling of the dice with one hand (maybe with some playful head bobbing mixed in for good measure). Then roll the imaginary dice towards someone you want to dance with.

Doing the dice is a good safe bet for guys out there, because it shows women that you are able to sit through a movie starring Katherine Heigl. And they like to be able to talk to you about this type of shit. It may also be a way to get some positive attention without getting yourself completely covered with sweat.

Instructions: Put one hand out in front of you (like a Nazi salute, but with less angle) and the opposite hand on your head. With that same arm, move your elbow forward and back to the beat, while simultaneously twisting your torso with each down-beat. When you can’t twist anymore, quickly turn body all the way back in the other direction and repeat. The entire movement will simulate a lawn sprinkler, so it’s not just a clever name.

At various times throughout the post-Disco era, the Sprinkler has been a very popular dance. It is the perfect move to bust out if you are at throwback 80’s party, or at another ironically-themed party (sponsored by Vice). Think of this move as the dance equivalent of bringing a bunch of people back to your apartment after the club ends, only to bust out your original NES. “Oh Shit!”

More Simple Instructions for Dancing Under the Influence at Sloshspot.