I’ve toyed with getting a tattoo for about five years now. Had my mind set on a naked woman splayed underneath my arm and through my armpit, only so I could trim my armpit hair to match her tiny ink vagina. It’s probably a good idea that I never went through with it. The same cannot be said for the attention-seeking souls in Cracked’s 8 Horrible Body Modifications list.
Tired of your boring old body? Wish you could mutilate it, and stick a bunch of weird shit everywhere?
You’re in luck, friend! There is a growing industry dedicated to decorating your body with painful, grotesque trinkets that will frighten every stranger you meet.
#8. Tattoo Breast Implants
There are two things guaranteed to make any one single average person awesome. A tattoo of a skanky chick, or fake boobs. If you look through history’s most awesome people–Axl Rose, Genghis Khan, Abraham Lincoln, Susan B. Anthony–they all had skanky tattoos or fake breasts.
It’s a fact you don’t even need to look up.
But if you need proof.
Inexplicably, when Lane Jensen decided to get a tattoo of a skanky chick, then give it breast implants, he didn’t enter the pantheon of awesome so much as he just made himself into a creepy weirdo with what appeared to be a leg goiter.
The implants were made from silicone, so they looked and even felt like little leg titties, and for a brief period of time his only discomfort was callused nipples on his calf. However, within a couple of weeks he started producing excess lymphatic fluid and eventually his body rejected them.
Or perhaps the universe’s own sense of good taste just forbade this sad experiment from continuing any longer.
#7. Corset Piercing
Dating all the way back to the 1990s, when cutting and depression became fashionable again, corset piercings are, sadly, exactly what they sound like. They’re surface piercings meant to emulate the appearance of an actual corset, that delightful lingerie fetish enthusiasts have kept alive long after most women decided to wear shirts that didn’t strangle the breath from their torsos.
The basic idea of a corset piercing is to stab some holes in your back and lace yourself together like a dark and moody shoe. The downside of looking so perfectly Gothic is that the piercings are usually only temporary and will almost inevitably degrade into swollen, infected, nasty holes.
This is due to the fact that poking holes in your back is not a good idea according to researchers at Harvard’s Institute of Back Holeology. Permanent piercings are apparently possible, if you’re willing to go the extra distance to ensure you have fully healed back holes through which to hang your keys or whatever when you’re not being dreary at a club or industrial rave.
Read the rest of the list at Cracked.