Geek, General, movies, Strange

5 Movie Franchises That Didn’t Need to Exist

For the most part, I despise sequels. Unless the movie in question was written out as an epic to unfold over many chapters, I think it’s best to move on to another project, rather than exploit an idea to the point of exhaustion. In these cases, one classic movie was just fine. But noooooooooooo…

As with any best/worst list, the following picks are highly objective, but one thing is for certain: these movies were a universal disappointment and still raked in massive amounts of cash. They’re extra special and deserve extra criticism.

Honorable Mention: The Land Before Time series

I’m pretty sure most people stopped watching Land Before Time after…well, the first one. So no real damage done, right? Just a bunch of straight to DVD extended episodes dumped onto the laps of jaded kids, right? Wrong.

The flood of poor quality animated movies made for a quick buck started with this never-ending series–The Land Before Time XIII: The Wisdom of Friends came out last year–and it needs to end like right now. Today. Fuck tree stars, fuck the Great Valley and fuck Littlefoot. And Petrie? GTFO.

#5 Indiana Jones and the Kingdom of the Crystal Skull

Okay, this is a preemptive strike: stop this reboot immediately. Nobody liked this cinematic trash (though we did try, didn’t we?) and most of us felt weird seeing Harrison Ford, old and weary, shuck and jive for the new generation. I tasted a great deal of sadness upon watching this travesty; it was if my entire childhood was a lie. No zest for life, no adventures–just bad one-liners and Shia LaBeouf.

But fear not, preservers of classics: the original series isn’t tarnished yet, so let this be a Godfather III-esque fuckup and call it a day.

#4. The Saw series

“Crazy” editing as a side-effect of sniffing too much cocaine (which in itself is a side-effect of green-lighting a C-level Tales from the Crypt) is a sure fire way to make a horror movie today. Saw has exploited this cheap movie making theory with such bad taste that it’s sickening to watch for all the wrong reasons.

Now every movie that moves quickly in a dark room with florescent lighting, harsh noises and shrieking is a horror franchise worth millions. Fuck you, Saw.

#3 The Pirates of the Caribbean series

The first Pirates of the Caribbean is what you would call “a delightful romp”, which basically means “it was pretty fun and really fucking stupid but hey, it’s not like I have to look forward to a sequel, right?” Oh, the follies of man…

Two mind-numbingly long sequels later, and I still have no clue what the fuck is going on in this franchise based on a Disney theme park ride. And don’t give me that “Keira Knightley is hot” bullshit–if you wanted to watch a shitty movie based on your boner for Knightley, rent Domino for chrissakes.

#2 The Matrix series

Like most people, I adored The Matrix when it first came out–I’ve watched it recently and it holds up great. The special effects, storyline and all-around concept was an extremely novel one in the late 90s, at the height of our technological worries. But like most good things in Hollywood, it had to come to an end. A craptastic end with one of worst finales in recorded history.

The Matrix failing as a worthwhile franchise can be boiled down to one scene: the futurtastic sweaty-bodied grindathon in Reloaded. That’s when I realized The Matrix had effectively jumped the shark, lost its path and dry humped Oakenfold into a cosmic coma only a tad less boring than Neo in Revolution.

#1 The Star Wars prequels

Very, very, very obvious at this point. I wanted to provide a shocking and thoughtful number one, but I couldn’t for the life of me find a movie (let alone an entire fucking trilogy) that shouldn’t exist as much as the Star Wars prequels. Backlash for these atrocities came down so hard that it’s nearly impossible to remember that incredible feeling you got when John Williams’ score boomed upon the intro of The Phantom Menace. Nostalgia is a bitch.

You can empathize all day if you want, but riddle me this: when was the last time you watched any movie in the new trilogy? Years, right? Yet we still find viral videos parodying the first three almost every week. The highly bankable and worthless prequels were a parody of the OG Star Wars in the first place. Hence the first place earning. George Lucas can suck a duck.