It’s that time of year when people start looking forward to feasting and turkeys get nervous. Well, they would, if any of them had an IQ any higher than all of Hugh Hefner’s girlfriends combined!
If you watched that video where Sarah Palin talked about her plans for Thanksgiving and got an eyeful from Joe the Turkey Slayer about how the birds are slaughtered on a commercial farm, you know how this is usually performed.
Since we’ve established that one way or another, the bird’s gotta get into the oven, why should Joe have all the fun? Here are a few, um, alternate suggestions for killing your own turkey. Check these out:
1. The “Clean Hands” Method
If you want to take the bird out but don’t want any nasty repercussions in the form of dirty looks from your Significant Other (and the resulting lack of bedroom action that inevitably follows one of them), pick up the phone and make a call.
With a bit of effort, you can find people who know people who can take the bird out for you. Put out a contract on your not-so-fine feathered friend. The bird’s goose gets cooked, and you were (conveniently) somewhere else at the time.
2. Go Sporty
Create a new sport based on the 1975 B-movie classic, “Death Race 2000.”
Get in your pickup (which somehow seems “right” for this activity) and chase the sucker down. For some real fun, get some of your friends to get in their vehicles and join in….good times.
3. Channel Your Inner Gladiator
If you thought the fight scenes in “Gladiator” were cool (and who didn’t?), set up your own battle to the death with Mr. Turkey.
Set out an assortment of weapons and choose yours with care. Are you an axe man, or will you do battle with knives alone? Of course, the turkey gets to choose weapons, too, and if he can hold one, he gets to use it. It’s only fair.