Crazy, Food, Funny, General, Strange

Most Annoying People At Thanksgiving Dinner

Thanksgiving is one of our greatest holidays. We eat until we feel like we’re going to die and then we lay around and watch football.  But you’re also forced to see family members that can turn all the gluttony into a big downer.

Here are the seven worst.

7. THE RELIGIOUS RELATIVE

It’s fine if you love Jesus. No one is saying you can’t. But you have to understand that for the rest of us, Thanksgiving is the only Holiday we get where we don’t have to hear about the man upstairs. Therefore, I don’t give a shit that the shape of my mashed potatoes reminded you of a passage from Corinthians, I just want you to pass the salt. I may not know Jesus as well as you do, but if he’s as cool as you say he is, then if he was invited over to somebody’s house for dinner, he probably wouldn’t spend the entire meal talking about how awesome he is. That sounds to me like an asshole.

Typical Conversation:

You: You know, I think if the Colts could get healthy, they could make a run this year.

Religious Relative: And the prayer of faith will save the one who is sick, and the Lord will raise him up. James 5:15

You: Right. I’m pretty sure the Lord wasn’t referring to someone having “turf toe.”

6. THE PERSON WITH THE SECRET EVERYONE ALREADY KNOWS

You’ll know this person is coming to your thanksgiving about three and a half minutes before they get there, because you’re mother will pull you aside and say, “Ben is coming.  Now, he’s gay, but he hasn’t come out to the family yet, so don’t say anything about gay things.  Everyone, did you hear that?  Ben is coming and he’s gay, but he hasn’t come out yet!”

Now, all anyone can think of when they look at Ben is “gay, gay, gay,gay” and because you don’t want to bring any attention to the fact that he’s got this secret, you end up bringing even more attention to it by striking up a conversation that is the direct opposite of it, which ends up awkwardly becoming about said secret.

Typical Conversation:
You: So, Ben, how about that new James Bond Movie.  He’s a good James Bond right? I mean, just the way he acts, not like how he looks or anything.  Not that he acts a certain way or that you can tell something from how somebody acts, but just like- wow, that’s a lot of gravy on your plate.  I mean, I like gravy–

5. THE FANTASY FOOTBALL GUY

Football on Thanksgiving is a tradition, but your fantasy team is not. So when the entire room wants to change the channel because the Lions are losing by 42 points with six minutes left, it’s super annoying when you respond with, “Wait, wait, I just have to see if Calvin Johnson gets fourteen more receiving yards.”

To make matters worse, this person insists on telling you the score to their fantasy game, and the picks they made early in the season that have or have not panned out, like they were in a Nazi prison camp and a guard made them choose which one of their children lived.

Typical Conversation:

Fantasy Guy: YES!

You: Is it a close game?

FG: No, it’s 46-20. Kevin Smith lost two yards. I need him to not gain more than ten yards the rest of the game, the guy I’m playing has him. I took Matt Forte instead of him, I was thinking of taking smith, but at the last second, I had Forte in my draft que and I just pushed “draft.”

You: Great. Um, you think we can change the channel? There’s three minutes left and we were hoping to watch anything but this.

FG: Yeah yeah of course, there’s just three minutes left though. I just gotta make sure I win this week. Sorry.

Check out the rest of the list at Holy Taco.