Crazy, Funny, General, movies, Strange

The 13 Most Ass-Kicked Action Heroes

They may win in the end, but they often go through hell to get there. Here´s our handy checklist of beat downs, bullet wounds, and general abuse.

13. CLARK KENT, SUPERMAN II

2 punchings
1 fall through plate glass
1 elbow to gut

Incident report:
Clark ain’t shit without his powers, and Pepper Martin proves it in a diner fight. Five minutes later, Clark hauls ass to the Fortress of Solitude to renew the subscription to his alien ass-kickingness.

Doctor’s note:
“Going through plate glass, depending upon how it shatters, could be pretty significant, severing arteries, tendons, or puncturing other major organs.”

The expert: Dr. Jeffrey Manko, assistant professor of emergency medicine at NYU Medical Center and Bellevue Hospital Center, and consultant on movies like Extreme Measures and TV shows like The Sopranos. If anyone knows just how pulpy these guys would be in the real world, it´s this guy.

12. THE TERMINATOR, TERMINATOR 2: JUDGMENT DAY

9 throws through wall/plate glass/clothing racks/against steel beams/down stairs
1 truck crash
3 stabbings
546 gunshots
1 partial scalp removal
1 self-extracted forearm
1 arm crushed by giant gear
1 complete melting by molten liquid

Incident report:
He does technically “die” at the end, scoring him some serious action hero points. He loses some for the whole “doesn’t feel pain” thing, though.

Doctor´s note:
“All bets are off when it comes to robots. I don’t treat machinery.”

11. JOHN J. RAMBO, FIRST BLOOD

2 whacks/chokes with nightstick
1 blast with high-pressure fire hose
3 knife slashes across chest
1 stringing up on bamboo cross
1 fall off motorcycle
2 rib smashings/arm gashings on tree branch during fall
1 self-stitched arm wound, sans anesthetic
1 graze by bullet in forehead

Incident report:
Unless they’re Viet Cong, not too many people remain upright around Rambo long enough to hurt him more than once.

Doctor’s note:
“Watching him stitch himself up seems like the worst, but people inject themselves with drugs every day and suchering is basically just putting a needle in your skin. Falling off the motorcycle without a helmet is a much bigger deal.”

Check out the Top 10 Most Ass-Kicked Action Heroes at Maxim.