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A Crash Course in Voting for the Right Candidate on Election Day (Featuring Boobs)

Election Day is coming up fast, and if you haven’t picked a candidate yet…well, what are you waiting for? ELECTION DAY IS IN A FEW DAYS, STUPID! YOU’RE GONNA RUIN EVERYTHING IF YOU DON’T VOTE, YOU DOLT!

Maybe you need help deciding which candidate is best for you. If that’s the case, you better hurry the fuck up and get on with it. For your benefit I threw together a quick list of tips to get your head straight and on the correct political path with as much care as you have for the election, meaning not that much but hopefully enough for you to actually accomplish something.

To assist your quest for political knowledge while maintaining our Sublime tone, I’ll throw in a few pictures of hot babes, preferably nude-ish with big boobs. They have nothing to do with the article, but babes with huge boobs inspire everything in the world, including your vote on Election Day.

Find a Reliable Source of Political News (use: POLITICS.COM)

With smear campaigns stretching well outside the barriers of political parties, major websites use their own brand of propaganda and mudslinging. The easy answer is to avoid gossip-heavy sites and focus primarily on the issues at hand. Even the biggest scandals can be deceiving, or even worse, 100% fabricated.

With all the one-sided publications typing up their brand of right, websites like offer up an agreeable olive branch, aggregating all relevant political news stories daily. RedState and Huffington Post be damned–or rewarded, depending on your outlook–for their one-wing bias. Keep your sources straight.

Choose a Candidate Based on Your Needs (use: GLASSBOOTH)

An easy way to balance your options before choosing a candidate is Glassbooth, a quiz website that weighs out your stance on major issues like taxes, health care, the environment, gay rights and education. Compare and contrast your views with the candidates honestly and effectively.

Using a point-system to determine what issues are most important to you, the website then matches up your quiz answers with the candidate that closest resembles your political outlook–even if they’re not in the current race.

Find Your Polling Place (use: VOTE411 POLL FINDER)

Of course, no amount of information you learn matters unless you actually vote. Far too many people have strong opinions on who should lead the country yet fail to vote. Don’t be discouraged by the voting process, and don’t consider your one vote anything less than necessary. Who knows, maybe you’ll inspire your non-voting neighbor to get off the couch and do the same.

The most convenient way to find the polling place closest to you is using Vote411′s Poll Finder. Simply type in your address and the site will give you the nearby poll location. In the event no local polling place pops up, you will be given the closest sites within your general vicinity.

Hope I’m not coming across like a snake-oil salesman, here: this particular election is extremely important for several reasons, and your decision can change the economic tide and our relationship with foreign countries. Let your voice be heard and vote on Tuesday, November 4! Boobs!