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6 Signs You’re About to be Attacked by Zombies

Former Cracked writer Matt Wilson of the International Society of Supervillains lays out some sure signs you’re about to be swarmed by the living dead. It’s as if it’s almost Halloween or something.

#6. Your first instinct during a crisis is to go to your mall.

As seen in:

Dawn of the Dead (original and remake), Dead Rising

Why it’s a sign:

Imagine a horde of zombies swarming down the main street of your town. Where do you go? If the nearest military base comes to mind, you’re probably OK. If you’re having trouble deciding between J. Crew and Sbarro … well, the good news is, you’re going to find the rest of this article extremely informative.

That’s because there are two types of people in this world: those who think of malls as grossly unsafe places to seek shelter during a zombie apocalypse, where the undead masses could hide out in clothes racks and toy bins and where glass doors serve as a flimsy barrier between them and the undead hordes outside. And then there are people like you, who were put on this earth to get attacked by zombies while helping deliver a subtle anti-consumerist commentary.

#5. You’ve just said or done something that would make it ironic if zombies attacked.

As seen in:

Night of the Living Dead, Diary of the Dead

Why it’s a sign:

Don’t be fooled by their barely functioning nervous system and shambling gait, Zombies have a devastating sense of timing. And if there’s one thing they appreciate more than brains, it’s dramatic irony. So if you’re walking through a graveyard with a woman who’s scared of the undead, you should avoid putting on your most sarcastic spooky voice and saying “They’re coming to get you, Barbara.” For whatever reason, sarcasm sounds like a dinner bell to zombies.

She’s not reacting to your devastating sarcastic/spooky voice.

Zombies are incredibly patient. You can go your whole life avoiding any zombie irony–never dressing up as a zombie on Halloween, skipping all the “dead people are dead and never coming back” parties your friends throw every Easter. No rush. Take as long as you want. Zombies aren’t busy. They’ll just be chilling out under a thin dusting of suspiciously loose soil. And the second you slip up and do something that would make a zombie attack the least bit ironic, like say, starring in a zombie movie, they will be on your ass with a quickness.

#4. The hospital you just woke up in is completely empty.

As seen in:

28 Days Later, the comic series The Walking Dead, Resident Evil

Why it’s a sign:

If you find yourself falling into either of the above groups, you should probably avoid spending time unconscious in a hospital bed. In a zombie apocalypse, nothing’s more embarrassing than walking around asking stuff like, “What the fuck happened to the world?” The people who’ve had to deal with this shit for weeks will just roll their eyes, and generally act like you’re the stupidest son of a bitch in town not mumbling the word “Braaaaains.”

That’s because the deeper people get into a zombie crisis, the more everyone starts acting like total assholes. So skipping two weeks of consciousness doesn’t make for the smoothest of transitions. Your new friends got to ease their way into the apocalypse, whereas you just rolled out of a warm bed, directly into a frigid pool of cannibalism and back-sass.

NOTE: This of course assumes that you survive the two weeks in your hospital bed serving as a man shaped hot plate for your brains. For whatever reason, this is generally a safe assumption.

Read the Top 3 Signs You’re About to be Attacked by Zombies at Cracked.