Crazy, Funny, Geek, General, Strange

Cracked List: 7 Classic Kid’s TV Shows Clearly Conceived on (Bad) Acid

Most children’s TV producers know that to get kids to watch, you have to terrify the little bastards. Looking back at the weird-ass shows they’ve cranked out over the decades, it’s a wonder that we all grew up to be such, stable, well-adjusted adults.

#7. Slim Goodbody

Slim Goodbody was a friendly Jewfroed health nut who saw nothing wrong with showing you his innards in a way that is both intimate and vomit-inducing.

What The Hell Were They Thinking?

If you ever found yourself wondering what a Steve Gutenberg/Horshack hybrid would look like on the inside, this is the show of your dreams.

Slim Goodbody is here to force you to make good nutrition type choices, or he’ll feed you to his robot-man.

Don’t get us wrong, we’re pleased when the neighborhood exhibitionist takes a unhealthy interest in vulnerable children. The scary part is when the animated picture of the red-track-suited man magically bursts into a nude man who utilizes an inappropriate wide-legged stance.

Note the shiny animated highlights to accentuate the fact that yes, this man has shed his clothes to teach you about love and life.

And we wonder why we have an obesity epidemic? Slim Goodbody utilizes his lumpy flesh-covered unitard to teach all the terrified children of the world why they should eat as much as possible, in order to cover the monstrosities which lurk beneath their skin.

Pay close attention to the part where the animated Goodbody goes through the trouble of turning around to show his half-muscularly-buttocked backside. We contend this visual assault subconsciously prompted millions of children to eat uncontrollably, as they never, ever wanted to be as healthy as Slim Goodbody. Never. Ever.

You know you want some of this lower intestine that is covering my private parts.

#6. Sigmund and the Sea Monsters

Let’s see if you can make it past :16 of the intro without collapsing into a scared little ball of tears and urine.

Nice how they suck you in with the jaunty little sailor theme, then slam you with the nightmare fuel.

What The Hell Were They Thinking?

The “Sigmund” in the title is a sad little lettuce heap of worthlessness who, in the course of the tune, is literally beat out of his home by his abusive family. The sea monster dad tells Sigmund to “go out and scare some humans, or you’re through!”

No doubt traumatized by his parents’ death threat, Sigmund makes a pathetic attempt at scaring some unsupervised children. The children mercilessly taunt Sigmund, laughing as his limp little tentacles attempt to catch a ball they callously fling at his googly eyes. Watch them mock as they force the little blob to hula hoop. He has no torso, you dicks.

Deserving of your sympathy.

Let’s all thank the show’s creators for turning a disgusting family dynamic in which the parents beat and deride their monster kid out of the home into entertainment. Entertainment for children.

Of course these same children grew up to believe their abused and neglected offspring would become the playthings of laughing beach goers! Hooray! Hooray for deadbeat dads and emotionally abusive moms! Your children are hilarious!

Check out the top 5 at Cracked.