Advice, General, Vids

I Will Never Masturbate at Work Again (Maybe)

If there’s one thing that’s consistent with any job I’ve ever had, it’s me masturbating to internet porn while on the clock. Can’t muster up the creativity to write an article? Thirty-minute bathroom break. Staying after hours to “finish up a project” like a dedicated employee? Nope–probably just masturbating furiously, ecstatic that I have all the resources and privacy to get a really good rhythm going. If you shined a blacklight under my desk it would look like an oil-drum’s worth of Elmer’s glue was tipped over.

Like any dedicated semen deployee, I have questioned how much privacy I really have in a digital media company–are there camera’s anywhere? Are security guards logging in my jack time on some masturbation master list that will be held against me in a court of law? I usually say fuck it and go fuck myself, but the following video scares me to death:

The worst thing about that video is that I’m pretty sure that unlucky sonofabitch is me. He looks like me. I got choked up watching him (me) choke it. Did I work for some random production company and block out the memory of getting caught flogging molly? Even if not, I’m royally screwed; I’m definitely on tape somewhere. Expect a 9-disc special edition DVD box set of yours truly getting slap happy–with director’s commentary!–this holiday season.

Don’t jerk at work, kids.

(I almost tagged this post as “Funny”, then came to my senses.)